


nineteen

by hollow_city



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Back to Earth, Character Death, Hurt/Comfort, Lance (Voltron) Angst, M/M, Post-Canon, Post-War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-23
Updated: 2017-10-23
Packaged: 2019-01-21 04:33:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12449772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hollow_city/pseuds/hollow_city
Summary: lance is nineteen when he realizes that the best thing in life? it has already passed him by.





	nineteen

**Author's Note:**

> hayley williams covered nineteen by tegan and sara for the con covers album and it was everything i ever wanted in life and more. it's what inspired this, so i definitely recommend listening to it while you read. feel free to listen to chvrches' cover of call it off from the same album, as well.  
> i guess you could say this is for keith's birthday, but that was entirely unintentional to be honest.

_(I feel you in my heart, and I don't even know you.)_

When Lance first met Keith, he was sixteen, and he was awestruck. He didn't understand how a person that careless and cold could be so wonderful. 

Keith didn't bother to ask for his name, and Lance was too busy blushing from his ears to his toes to try and give him one. Keith stormed straight past him and left him a bumbling mess as he tried to gather his books and continue on his way back to his dorm.

He watched the other boy from afar for a while, knowing deep down that he was being a bit weird, but he couldn't help himself. Everything about Keith made his heart sing, and he felt stupid just thinking about him. He didn't tell Hunk and he certainly didn't tell Pidge because he knew Hunk would try to be the wingman he totally wasn't ready for, and Pidge would just tease him relentlessly. 

He didn't need either of those things. He just needed to get over his stupid crush.

But then the Kerberos mission failed, and Keith wouldn't accept 'pilot failure' as an answer. Lance watched as he slowly began to lose his composure, and one day, he just wasn't there anymore. Lance held onto the hope that he was just sick or something like that, but then they told him that he'd be taking Keith's place, because Keith was gone.

Lance's heart sank at the thought of never seeing Keith again, but he told himself to get over it. People leave and people forget. That's how it was, that's how it had always been for him, and it really shouldn't have hurt as much as it did. 

He told himself to get over it because it was just a dumb crush on a dumb guy with a dumb haircut. Eventually, everyone acted like Keith had never existed, and Lance followed their lead, because what did Keith matter, anyway?

\--

When Lance saw Keith again, he was seventeen, and he could barely believe his eyes. 

Everything that night was already beyond crazy, what with the running across restricted grounds with Pidge and Hunk and finding a strange ship. But seeing Keith again? That was the icing on the cake.

Lance had finally convinced himself that the boy was gone, and he'd gotten over his tiny crush. But there he was, with that stupid mullet and that weird red jacket. The heart palpitations were back, but this time, Lance was fully prepared to use his false confidence to hide it all.

It worked, for the most part. Until Keith forgot him, and his mood plummeted. It didn't help that they were dragging Lance's former hero between them, and that Keith looked completely different from the last time he saw him. It had only been a year, but Keith looked like a different person.

The same ridiculous eyes and weird hair, but his mouth was stuck in a permanent scowl and there was a tense set to his shoulders that hadn't been there before. It threw Lance off, but it gave him enough to be able to treat Keith like a different person than the one he crushed on for some awkward months.

But Lance didn't even have the time to focus on anything like that, not with the blue lion beneath his fingers. It was unlike anything he'd ever felt, and he loved it. He never wanted it to stop. It didn't even matter that people were screaming all around him and it didn't even matter that Keith kept grabbing him, because he was in heaven. It felt like he had wings, and he loved it.

It was a good enough distraction. For a while.

\--

_(I felt you in my life before I ever thought to.)_

They were Paladins of Voltron and they were protecting the universe. It didn't sound like it should be hard, at least, not to Lance. He thought he could do it with no problem at all. It's not like he had much of a choice, though.

But then they started fighting real aliens to save real lives, and it didn't feel so easy anymore. Nothing felt within reach, and Lance just didn't feel like he could handle it. He wasn't good enough for this. He let people die and he fooled around too much and he let the team down far too often. He was the seventh wheel; the weak link.

So he went to Keith. He didn't want to because he didn't want Keith, of all people, to know that he was falling apart. He didn't want Keith to be there to see the panic attacks, the breakdowns, the nightmares. That didn't stop him from wandering towards Keith's room after every battle.

It wasn't long before Lance and Keith were nearly attached to each other's sides. Before they climbed into their lions, they would wish each other luck. When they were out on the field, they would protect each other with their lives. When they would get back, they would split up, only to end up together in one bedroom. 

It helped Lance, just being there with him. Until it didn't. 

"Hey," Keith said quietly, not even bothering to look up when Lance entered. 

Lance let out a quiet hum of acknowledgment, before slumping over onto Keith's bed. He was sitting as far from the other boy as possible, which was what usually happened. They were both pretending when they rejected any physical contact.

"Hi," Lance whispered, not trusting his own voice to be able to stand anything more. 

It had been a rough day. They were liberating a planet when it all went to shit. Lance was alone, separated from everyone else, and he was forced to take on an entire fleet on his own. He had crash landed, and it didn't end well for the civilians below the fight. The Galran ships landed, and killed dozens of natives, right before Lance's eyes. Blue wasn't responding, and he couldn't get out, and he couldn't help them, and he was forced to watch. Forced to watch as they were all slaughtered. 

It only stopped when Shiro and Hunk showed up to take them out and help Lance tow Blue back to the castle-ship for repairs. 

Tears gathered in Lance's eyes at the thought, and he strained with everything he had to keep them in, along with the sob bubbling in his chest, but it didn't work, and suddenly, he was falling apart in Keith's dimly lit bedroom. He buried his face in his knees so Keith couldn't see him, and wrapped his arms around them to ground himself. 

He heard a quiet gasp from Keith, but he couldn't be bothered to acknowledge it, being far too embarrassed and ashamed to even think of looking him in the eye.

"Lance," Keith said after a moment, voice soft. 

Lance didn't respond, still focusing all of his effort on stopping his disgusting sobbing. He jumped and sucked in a sharp breath when an arm suddenly wrapped around his shoulder. He froze for a moment, before he was launching himself at the body already partially pressed against his. He didn't want to think about what he was doing, and he didn't want to think about how Keith would look at him after. He just pressed his face into Keith's chest and let out the ugly sobs that he'd been holding in for several hours.

"I'm sorry," he gasped out, his face already burning bright red with shame. Keith's grip around his back tightened and Lance's fingers tightened in his t-shirt. 

"Don't say that. Just let it out."

It was clear that Keith had no idea what he was doing, but Lance appreciated the effort anyway. He tried not to think about the fact that Keith’s hands were gripping his ribs and his legs were settled on either side of Lance’s.

“Allura said Blue will be fine in a few days,” Keith said after a few minutes of silence. It wasn’t an awkward silence, only interrupted by the occasional sniffle from Lance.

His words did make Lance feel the slightest bit better, and he tried his best to smile against Keith’s chest.

“Good,” he sighed, not having the energy for much more. After a good ten minutes, he lifted his head slightly to rest his chin against Keith’s chest, so he could get a better view of the other boy’s face. “Hey, Keith?”

“Huh?”

“...Thanks.”

\--

When Lance was eighteen, he resigned to the fact that he was completely, utterly in love with Keith. He had been denying it for years and for the most part, it worked. But now, watching Keith chase Pidge around the training deck, he knew it was no good.

He was in love with a cold, prickly jerk with no sense of self-preservation and horrible people skills. He’s still not sure how that happened.

He didn’t want anybody to know, especially not Keith. He would have the same issue with Hunk and Pidge that he would’ve had before, and his problems would only increase tenfold if Allura, Coran, or even Shiro found out. Allura, while being the best big sister figure he could’ve wished for, enjoyed meddling far too much. He knew it wouldn’t turn out well for him if she found out. He didn’t want any dating advice from Coran because that conversation would just be incredibly awkward, and he didn’t need that.

Shiro, though. Shiro. Shiro was already like the father figure of the group; the mom-friend, even. And it was no secret that Keith was his favorite, despite his claims that he didn’t choose favorites. It made sense, since they’d known each other the longest of all the paladins, and had been like brothers even before Voltron.

Lance knew all of this, and he really didn’t want to face the wrath of protective, big brother Takashi Shirogane.

Despite all his efforts though, one person did seem to find out. The one person he really didn’t need finding out.

 _Keith_.

Lance wasn’t sure how that happened, but he was far too flustered to even think about it when Keith cornered him in the hanger.

“What’s up with you?” he asked, pushing at Lance’s chest plate with an angry expression.

“W-What do you mean?” Lance replied, already nervous enough without the aggressive touching. “Everything’s fine! Yeah, everything’s great!”

Keith’s eyes narrowed, and he crossed his arms, watching Lance for a moment. Lance squirmed where he stood, immensely uncomfortable underneath his intense gaze. He twisted his fingers, unsure if he was allowed to leave or if Keith wanted more from him.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Keith growled, and Lance’s eyes widened, preparing himself for yelling or more shoving.

What he got was neither of those things, and nothing could’ve prepared him for it.

Lips were on his and he was frozen. His eyes remained wide, giving him a full view of Keith’s fluttering eyelids and furrowed brow. It took him an embarrassing few seconds, but eventually, he was kissing back, and he swore he was dreaming.

When Keith finally pulled away, Lance took a moment to open his eyes, only barely catching the tail end of Keith rolling his eyes.

“Fucking finally.”

\--

Lance was eighteen when his world fell apart.

They were finally going to take out Zarkon. They’d tried twice to kill him before and even tried several times to kill his son, but neither had ever been effective.

But this would be different.

This would be different because the Galra Empire was dwindling. They’d taken back so many planets and taken out so many fleets that there just wasn’t much left to fight. Allura had killed Haggar some months ago, leaving Zarkon to scramble to figure out how to continue the war without her.

Lance couldn’t help but find it funny that Zarkon was nothing without his toys.

They thought it would be the perfect time to attack. Gather the entire coalition and strike Zarkon where it hurts. It should’ve worked great and they should’ve been able to finally take him down.

And they did. They fulfilled their destiny as paladins of Voltron, and they brought peace back to the universe. But not without paying the ultimate price.

Lance will never be able to forget what he saw that day.

“Keith! What the hell are you doing?” Lance called through the comm system, his heart beating against his ribs painfully.

Keith didn’t respond with anything but a grunt until Lance called out to him again, and he shouted, “I can’t lose this ship!”

Lance jerked Blue to the side to avoid falling shrapnel from a series of destroyed ships Hunk left in his wake. He spun until he could see Keith, and watched in horror as the flames Red breathed hit a ship, and backfired. The ship in front of Red exploded and the ship behind her rammed into her rear end, sending Keith and Red straight into the plume of flames that was the falling ship.

Lance couldn’t help the gasp he sucked in as he watched Red tangle with the mangled purple ship and plummet towards the ground. Without a second thought, he flew forward, faster than he or Blue ever have before, hands shaking.

His eyes widened when a tiny figure shot out of the top of Red and went flying through the air. He knew it was Keith, and he knew that he might not be able to get there in time. But he tried his damn hardest anyway, because what would he be if he didn’t?

“Keith!” he cried, his voice breaking under the stress. Keith didn’t reply, and Lance received nothing but static in return.

Watching Keith’s body free fall through space toward a mountainous planet was something straight out of Lance’s nightmares. Watching Keith’s body smash into the ground like a sack of bricks was something that would be burned into the backs of Lance’s eyelids for the rest of his life.

“Lance, do you have eyes on him?” Shiro’s voice sounded through the comms, and it made Lance realize that his team had been talking the whole time, trying to get his attention, trying to get them to respond.

But Lance couldn’t speak as he landed Blue roughly against the side of the mountain and practically pried her mouth open to fall out and jet down to the ground. When he reached the bottom he tore his helmet off and tossed it to the side, ignoring the crackling sound accompanying his friends’ frantic pleas.

He dropped to his knees beside Keith’s body, his breath coming in ragged gasps and his eyes filling with tears of panic.

“No, no, no, come on, Keith,” he rambled, carefully removing the other boy’s helmet. A sob tore its way out of his chest at the sight beneath it.

Blood dripped in a steady stream from Keith’s mouth, leaving a trail across his cheek. A gash traveled from the bottom of his chin to his collarbone, blood sluggishly seeping out of it. The worst part was the blank look in Keith’s wide eyes.

Indigo eyes that once sparkled in the light were now dim and lifeless.

And that’s what Keith was.

 _Lifeless_.

The tears came without stopping now. Lance pressed his fingers against Keith’s neck, searching for a pulse he just _knew_ wouldn’t be there. He wanted to find one, he had to find one, but he couldn’t.

Keith was gone.

He was screaming before he even knew he was, but the burning feeling in his lungs paired with the tearing feeling in his throat was enough to tell him that he was.

After several more moments of frantically checking for any signs of life and cradling Keith’s rapidly chilling body, Lance lowered him back to the ground and slammed his fist against the rocky ground. It burned like a thousand suns and he heard several of his knuckles crack, but he felt none of it.

When he finally made it back to his helmet, he pulled it on slowly with his unbroken hand and listened as the voices of his friends filtered through.

“Oh my god, he’s dead,” Pidge breathed. “I can’t believe Zarkon is finally fucking dead.”

Lance spoke, but he couldn’t feel a thing. “Zarkon is dead?”

“Lance!” several voices shouted at once. It hurt Lance’s ears, but he couldn’t wince.

“Zarkon is dead?” he asked again, a sharp tone in his voice that hadn’t been there before.

Shiro spoke alone this time. “Yes. He is,” he replied darkly, and if Lance was in the right state of mind, he probably would've shivered. "What about Keith? Is Keith okay?"

Lance took a deep breath and let it out shakily. "Um... n-no-" he broke off as his shoulders heaved in another sob. "Sh-Shiro, he's... dead! Oh, god, he's dead!"

Several gasps and cries echoed through the comm system, but Shiro's voice broke through the chaos once more. His voice was shaky and strained like it took everything in him not to break apart.

"Where are you?" he asked. Lance could hear his breath pick up and the sound of feet hitting metal. 

He wasn't quite sure, but he managed to bite out a general description of the mountain he'd landed on through the bitter sobs. His knees were beginning to ache from the gravel beneath them but he ignored it in favor of clutching his hands close to his chest. He couldn't take his eyes off of the lifeless body of the boy that he loved.

He wasn't aware any time had passed until a giant black paw landed beside him, and Shiro was shaking his shoulders. When Lance didn't ( _couldn't)_ respond, Shiro followed his blank gaze, and a choked sound escaped the back of his throat.

Lance was eighteen when he lost the light in his life.

\--

_(I flew home, back to where we met. I stayed inside; I was so upset. I cooked up a plan that was good except I was all alone, you were all I had...)_

Lance is nineteen when they return to Earth. Allura and Coran agree to bring them back, and after some prying, admit that they'd like to see what Earth is like. 

It's a process, and they have to avoid being shot at by Garrison aircrafts, but eventually, they land on Earth. It's nothing like Lance remembers, but it's everything he's been longing for, for the past two years. 

They have to explain themselves, and they have to speak with the higher-ups at the Garrison, but they don't let anybody hide anything. Their story is spread everywhere, and they're considered heroes. 

Lance makes sure to carry Keith's memory, and he makes sure they give him the recognition he deserves.

His mamá cries when she sees him and his siblings crowd around him until he can't feel anything but their arms around him. He should be happy. He should be crying tears of joy to be back home with the family that he'd greatly missed. He should be happy and relieved that the war is over. 

He knew it would be strange coming back because he knew he wasn't the same person anymore. He's a soldier now, and he's seen things far worse than anybody should in ten lifetimes. So, yes, he knew it wouldn't be the same, and that this planet may seem a bit small in comparison to what he knew for so many months, but he didn't think it would be like this.

He didn't think he'd feel this hole in his chest.

_(You were all mine.)_

But then again, he didn't think he'd be coming back here without Keith.  _His_ Keith.

_(I was yours, right?)_

Lance is nineteen when he realizes that the best thing in life? It has already passed him by. 

**Author's Note:**

> an actual timeline? what is that? i've never heard of it. seriously though, i tried my hardest to make sense of it, but I'M LOST. so just take this as it is, please, i'm suffering.  
> anyway, happy birthday keith, i guess? when i started this i didn't mean for it to be out by keith's birthday, but i'm running out of time, so there may be some errors that i missed.


End file.
